


i get the feeling that you'll never need me again

by dawningofdrag



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, Completed, F/F, Lesbian AU, One Shot, Unrequited Love, its sad :(, title inspired by falling by harry styles bc sad gays, wedding au, wedding fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24004396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dawningofdrag/pseuds/dawningofdrag
Summary: Gigi is getting married, and it’s not Crystal who’s waiting for her at the end of the aisle.
Relationships: Crystal Methyd/Gigi Goode, Gigi Goode/Crystal Methyd, Gigi Goode/Nicky Doll, Nicky Doll/Gigi Goode
Comments: 27
Kudos: 69





	i get the feeling that you'll never need me again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goodemornting](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodemornting/gifts).



> im an angst writer now apparently. writing angst is cool though, im really enjoying it so far :>
> 
> HUGE thank u to @aaries for beta-ing this for me and checking my messed up tenses!! this is dedicated to my absolute number one @minafina, because she keeps me motivated and she's just really fucking cool, guys. i love u mina, hope u like this <3

**My dear Gigi,**

**The day you get married will be the happiest day of my life.**

“Is it zipped all the way?” Gigi spoke softly, eyeing her figure in the mirror that stood tall in front of where she was currently situated. She fiddled with the styled brown hair that sat on her bare shoulders, trying her very best to distract herself from the way her fingers quivered whenever she brought them up to adjust the thin and threadlike straps of her dress.

“Yeah, you’re all set.” A loud exhale fell from Crystal’s lips, standing straight back up and meeting her best friend’s eyes through the mirror that stood in front of them both. She gently rubbed the younger woman’s shoulders, a subtle smile grazing her lips as she pressed a subtle kiss on Gigi’s cheek, hugging the woman from behind as they stared at the lace flowers embroidered into her white gown.

“You look beautiful, Gig.” 

“Really?” The brunette hummed, doubtful. Her light eyes squinted as she fiddled with the fabric that rested by her fingertips. She bit her glossed lip, running her manicured hands through the lace flowers that were scattered around her dress’ tulle skirt, entertaining the doubtful thoughts that littered her brain as she glanced back at Crystal. “Do you think it’s too simple? Maybe I should get the back-up and see-”

“Oh my god Gig, calm down.” Crystal laughed, grabbing ahold of the model’s hands and taking them up and away from the dress Gigi couldn’t seem to stop fiddling with. The blonde intertwined her fingers with hers, giving them a light squeeze before she met back up with the bright green eyes that stared at her dark ones through the mirror. 

**I don't think anything would be better than seeing you in a beautiful white dress as you walk down the aisle. I’m sure you’d look beautiful, I don’t think I’m ever gonna doubt that.**

“You have never been prettier, Gigi.” Crystal sighed, fingers leaving Gigi’s grasp as she faced the younger woman, cupping her face with her tan hands. Her thumbs lightly grazed the younger woman’s cheeks, trying her very best to hold back the tears that started to well up and collect around her eyes. Crystal let out a breathy laugh.

“You’re the most beautiful woman in the world right now. To me, and to Nicky, and to everyone else that’s here today.”

A tear ran down Gigi’s face from her glossy eyes, and the latina was there to wipe it away before it ruined her rather immaculate makeup. Gigi shook her head at the words, leaning into the hands that held her face with a small smile. 

Gigi slowly wrapped her arms around her best friend’s smaller frame, holding tight enough that no one else besides herself could see the tears that won the inner battle she fought trying to hold them in. She nuzzled deep into the latina’s shoulder, quiet sniffles filling the room as the tears she so desperately wanted to stop kept flowing out of her and into green fabric of Crystal's dress.

“I’m really gonna get married today, huh.” Gigi muttered, words slurring from how soft she spoke deep into the crevice of the Crystal’s neck.

**I hope that we’re happy when we get to that point in our lives, where we’re ready to find someone and spend the rest of our lives with them like the thought of the commitment wasn’t scary enough right now.**

Crystal chuckled, arms wrapped tight around the slim waist of the brunette. “Fuck yeah you are.”

They stood still, comfortable in the embrace they had found themselves in, their tight hold on each other accompanying the silence inside the bridal suite that they deemed more intimate than awkward. Crystal shifted as she brought up her hand, caressing her best friend’s dark hair, a physical cue that allowed Gigi to cry out every tear she had pent up inside her. She let her release the overwhelming emotions she had been bottling in since god knows when into the exposed clavicle the bride had laid her head on.

The blonde whispered after a couple more moments of silence, controlling the normally loud volume of her voice in fear of ruining the intimate moment she had just shared with the brunette. “You ready?” 

**We’re young, we’re stupid, we’re fucking insane at the time that I’m writing this stupid letter. But when the time comes where we finally settle down, I hope everything around us calms down by then. I hope everything makes sense.**

Gigi paused, squeezing in one last tight hug before pulling back from the woman who stood in front of her, who still had her tan arms resting delicately on her waist. Crystal met the green eyes that were bloodshot from the fresh tears before Gigi nodded, her voice hoarse as she muttered a short reply.

“I am.”

**Will the wedding be pretty? I mean knowing you, it probably is. You’d probably go apeshit if it didn’t go as well as the movies we would always stay up all night watching.**

**I hope you get the fairytale wedding you’ve always dreamed of though, you deserve that.**

It was too cold for Crystal to be wearing a green velvet dress that lacked fabric where sleeves were supposed to be sewn in. Nothing covered her bare shoulders, and the strong spring breeze grazed her tan skin with the intention of making her shiver at the touch. The atmosphere of the long hallway that ran across the villa was off as well, the silence that accompanied hushed whispers that echoed through it felt out of place on a day that was supposed to be bursting with vibrance and excitement. The occasional clicking of stiletto heels on the wooden floorboards broke the silence whenever someone would pass by, but it wasn’t loud enough to pull Crystal out of the deep thoughts that presented itself now that she had the time to entertain them.

But besides the eerie silence that rang in her ears and the strong spring winds a hair too cold for what she was currently wearing, everything was going well. She had the chance to engage in small talk with Jackie, the event planner who was running around the venue in platform heels like it would hurt her much more if she just stood still. Crystal knew Gigi’s standards were set pretty high, so the blonde could only imagine the long list of demands she was trying her best to fulfill. Jackie was being paid well, she assumed. The woman remembered watching Gigi breathing down her assistant’s neck as she tried to book her immediately before some other A-list celebrity took the Persian away from the perfect wedding she always dreamed of.

Crystal made a mental note to congratulate the busy woman on how smoothly things were going later in the evening as she sat on one of the many ottomans situated along hallway. She held her cup of iced coffee with two hands in fear that she could spill some on the beautiful dress she wore and ruining it’s delicate velvet fabric.

**Will Jan be there? She better be. That bitch promised me in theater club last week that she would sing at our wedding. She said that maybe she wouldn’t be able to attend because she’d be busy touring or whatever it is musicians do that make them unavailable. Can you fucking believe that?**

Crystal sent a wave to her old friend who she found standing close from where she was currently sat. Once Jan acknowledged the hand motion with a coy smile, walking over to sit by her after a guest kindly asked for a quick photo. 

“Hey popstar.” Crystal joked, scooting a little to make enough room for the younger woman to occupy. 

“Hey yourself.” The blonde rolled her eyes, taking a sip of the tea she held securely in her hands. “How are you holding up?”

Crystal met Jan’s light blue eyes as she shook her head immediately after hearing her question, trying her best to communicate to the woman who sat next to her that she wasn’t ready for that conversation yet. She wasn’t ready to unpack the box of the feelings that sat dead and center in front of her, staring her down, begging to be unpacked. 

**It’s kinda weird to say that out loud (well, not say out loud, I’m writing this). Our wedding, huh. I mean, I hope that’s what happens. We’re like the only lesbians in Missouri that I’m aware of, so it’s kinda written in the stars, I think. I don’t know.**

Jan nodded, the motion so tiny no one else but Crystal could have caught it. The blonde intertwined their hands, squeezing once, twice, then three times, a quiet form of comfort that was understood but didn’t speak too loud that it overwhelmed them and brought up emotions they rather not feel.

They didn’t meet each other’s eyes after the small gesture, Jan not daring to offer more than a hand hold as she was very much aware of how fragile and vulnerable the Crystal must have felt. They sat in silence, sipping on their drinks as their eyes focused on the large window that was just across from where they sat. 

“You okay, Crystal?” Jan whispered once the silence became too uncomfortable not to break. She leaned in closer, her words inaudible to everyone but the woman who sat next to her. The older woman finally met the blonde’s blue eyes after almost gluing them to the window across the hall, and she shook her head with her bottom lip tucked between her teeth. 

Crystal scanned the room for a moment, afraid that her reply would catch the attention of the guests that would pass by and overhear their current conversation. 

Once she deemed it was safe enough to reply, she shook her head once more, the word that left her full lips so soft and hushed that it was almost inaudible.

“No.”

Jan squeezed her hand one last time before Jackie called them over, and Crystal spoke the rest of her response before they got up to leave. 

“I wish this was my wedding too.”

**I wish that’s how we would end up. I’ve liked you for a while now actually, is it obvious? I know you don’t really know that yet, and I don’t have any plans to tell you about my feelings right now, but I hope I do soon. You’re really fucking cool, Gig. And I like you a lot.**

**On the topic of liking people, you love to fantasize about your future wife a lot. You daydream about that faceless person you’d spend forever with for hours on end, the person who will be the most important thing in your life.**

“Crystal?”

The latina turned her head to meet Nicky’s light blue eyes, and she couldn’t bring herself to hide the genuine grin that crept up her lips. “Nicky, oh my god you look beautiful.”

The french woman looked absolutely stunning in white, and it caused Crystal wonder why she never saw the woman wear the color before when it looked like it was made for the tone of her skin. She almost radiated under the satin fabric that wrapped taut around her model-esque frame, her dress’ minimal seams and lack of embroidery a wonderful juxtaposition to Gigi’s fuller, more detailed dress, but she wasn’t sure if the French woman was even aware of that observation. She looked ethereal, otherworldly, absolutely gorgeous. Crystal could not be any more happier for her.

Nicky ran over to where she stood, heels clicking loud on the wooden floorboards as she lunged herself onto Crystal’s slightly smaller frame. The sudden force caused a laugh to escape from deep in her chest, reciprocating the energy and wrapping her arms just as tight around the bride who practically clung onto her.

“I knew you would look so pretty in green velvet! It took a lot of effort to get Gigi to say yes to it.” She chuckled into Crystal’s ear, pulling away once she got enough contact from her. Her hands gravitated towards the sleeve of her green dress, content with the choice of fabric wrapped around her and the rest of the woman's skin. 

Unlike the way Crystal would see Nicky on billboards and in the plethora of her photos that littered her Instagram feed, she had styled her hair up and away from her shoulders, bony clavicles exposed for everyone to drool over, and her powerful shoulders free from anything that could potentially covered them. Her feathered bangs framed her sharp features like they were masterpieces in the Louvre, and the signature red lip Crystal would always catch her wearing was swapped out with a brighter, more natural pink. She was more beautiful than ever, and the captivating smile on her lips that matched the energy of the other bride topped the layers of her captivating beauty so well. 

**You always told me that she had to be the most beautiful woman you’ve ever laid eyes on, and nothing less. She also had to have a heart that matched her pretty face. I know I’m not, like, New York fashion week pretty, but I think I’m pretty decent. I hope that’s enough to get you to like me back. There’s not much to choose from where we live anyway.**

Crystal recalled the first time she ever met Nicky, Gigi introducing them to each other at one of her best friend’s runway gigs over two years ago. The french woman wore nothing but a skimpy bikini as she shook the artist’s hand, long tan arm encircling her best friend’s equally exposed waist. 

Nicky lived the high life ever since she exploded into the modeling world over six years ago, and Crystal laughed at how the bar was set so high for Gigi that her first real girlfriend had to be an internationally-acclaimed supermodel. She teased the brunette relentlessly for months, making fun of her astronomically high standards whenever the topic of relationships would come up on their regularly occurring late night facetime calls. 

But aside from the superficial aspect of Gigi’s towering list of standards, Crystal couldn’t deny that Nicky was perfect for her. She was patient, funny, sweet, and never failed to laugh at Gigi’s stupid jokes. She was the best person for Gigi, they balanced each other out perfectly like they were two different halves that made so much more sense when you brought them together. Two different pieces of a puzzle that somehow fit together like a glove.

God, Nicky was perfect. She was perfect for Gigi in more ways than one, and the realization hit her like a dull, persistent pain that she already realized long ago would never go away. They were made for each other, and Crystal having no choice but to accept it only intensified the pain the longer she dwelled on the thought. 

**I hope that person you end up with realizes how lucky they are to have you, I know I am. To have you for the rest of my life would be a dream. To wake up next to you everyday would be the best thing that could ever happen to me. To live under the same roof, spend every waking hour with you would be the greatest honor I could ever think of.**

“I can’t wait to see her, does she look pretty?” Nicky grinned, her infectious smile rubbing on the younger woman so easily. The older woman stood in front of her, blue eyes glinted with love and hope and happiness that it was impossible not to reflect the same energy back.

Crystal nodded in response, a scoff escaping her lips at the question she deemed unnecessary to ask. “She’s always pretty, Nicks. But I have to say, it’s kinda different today.”

The grin on Nicky’s face grew bigger than the latina thought would be possible, and the giddiness she exuded made Crystal laugh at the sight. “She is the most beautiful woman on earth, Nicks.” 

The blonde huffed, her hands moving to fan the tears that started to accumulate around her eyes. She let out a deep breath that was more nervous than it was anything else, causing Crystal to pull the woman in for another tight hug.

Nicky chuckled at Crystal’s sudden touch, but she didn’t pull away from it. Instead, she hugged her back with just as much force, her voice cracking as she mustered up a reply.

“Of course she is. I don’t know why I even bothered to ask.”

**You’re one of those people you meet and never forget, that’s how amazing you are. I guess that’s why I like you so much. Do you know that you’re so fucking amazing, Gig? You better.**

  
  


Jan held Crystal’s hand the whole ceremony, the pale hand clutching hers the only anchor that kept her from floating away. 

In her head, it was all a blur. If you were to ask her what had occurred in the ceremony she had attended mere moments ago, she wouldn’t be able to conjure up a proper reply no matter how long you were willing to wait for it. To her, it was a mixture of dogs as flower girls, many, many tears, soft ‘I love you’s’ through choked sobs, and a first kiss that increased the powerful sting focused deep in the woman's chest the longer she watched it unfold in front of her. 

Crystal allowed herself to shed a few tears, only letting them run free when the couple spoke their vows, where it seemed like the whole audience was crying along with her. She didn’t want to cause attention, she wanted to blend in with the rest of the equally emotional guests that she sat next to, afraid that causing even a minor commotion would blow the cover she had put up for so long. 

How she managed to sit through everything that had happened so far was a mystery even to herself. It was like her brain had decided prematurely to block the memory of Gigi marrying someone who wasn’t her out of her head. It didn’t sink into her that the woman she loved but didn’t have wasn’t holding her hand until the first few notes of their first dance song rang in her ears like a siren. The first few chords that came from a grand piano which stood near the dance floor echoed across the lush garden, and Crystal caught sight of the toothy grin that hardly ever left Gigi’s lips since the ceremony. Her wedding dress made her look like she was floating with each step forward that she took, the glitter embedded in her skirts tulle fabric hitting the warm yellow lights so perfectly that it mirrored the glowing aura that radiated off of her pale skin. 

**Look, I know that this whole letter thing is stupid. I’m probably not even going to read this out loud ever.**

  
  


Gigi wrapped her arms around Nicky’s shoulders, button nose touching nose, as the lyrics of finneas accompanied their first dance together as wives. 

Wives.

It hit Crystal like a tsunami wave, suddenly and all at once, catching her off guard and drowning her in the deep depths of her thoughts that swallowed her whole. The sinking feeling in her stomach was more evident than ever now that everything going on around her was acknowledged as reality. This was real.

She’s never gonna have Gigi. She’s gone. Slipped from her grasp like her hand was smothered in oil, devoid of any hope and faith that maybe something would happen the next time they spent time together.

There no longer was a next time.

**But I just like to imagine you happy. Happy and excited and so in love, getting married to the person who makes you that way.**

Crystal stood up once each of the guest’s glossy eyes were too fixated on the couple who danced in front of them to notice her sudden exit. Jan tried to follow her, talk her out of it, but the latina stopped her mid-sentence before the blonde even tried to stand up. The woman headed back inside the villa and rushed to the bathroom, black purse clutched tight around her fingers, the contents of her bag occupied her racing brain, the thought of the paper that was folded and tucked away deep inside it the only thing she could seem to focus on. She locked the dark wooden door once she entered with a satisfying click, before pulling out the paper from her purse and opening the scotch tape seal that had worn off over time. 

She accompanied the tears that finally fell free with soft whines, a hand over her lips to muffle the painful weeping sounds that escaped her lips. Crystal leaned back against the bathroom door, shoulders slumped over as she finally let herself cry out every tear she needed to set free from the prison she was keeping them in. She sucked in breath after breath, each deeper than the last in order to lighten the brick load that rested heavy on her chest.

Her eyes glanced at the letter’s contents, thin yellowing paper running along it’s wrinkled edges. Her sobs were quieter now, the bold black ink embedded on the paper filled with hope and innocence stared back and mocked her, boring into her weathered soul. Crystal's staggered breaths echoed against the walls of the space she confined herself in, whispering some of the sentences written on the paper into the thick air that caused her to slump her shoulders. 

The muffled lyrics of the wives’ first dance were heard through the wooden door her back leaned on, and it so easily broke the dam she’s been trying to keep up ever since the thought of never having Gigi occurred in her head. The world around her crashed and crumbled the more she read the hopeful words written on the paper her shaky hands held, and all of sudden she couldn’t hear the piano’s melodic tune coming from the garden. 

She could no longer hear the powerful chords the love of her life danced to with someone who wasn’t her. 

**And I know it’ll take a while for you to find that person you gush about late at night when we have nothing else to talk about.**

**But I just want you to know,**

**that I’m going to pray to every god I know and hope it’s me.**

**Author's Note:**

> hope u liked it! hmu on my tumblr @dawningofdrag if u just wanna chat <3


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